Why does everyone love this time of year?

I have to wonder if everyone is this lonely at Christmas?

Maybe I'm just the only person who is alone, I mean everyone loves Christmas, they all get together, and I'm there, isolated all the time...

Not just Christmas though, is it? Everyday is exactly the same, hmm. Life sucks.

It's nice having two minds.

sane - happy, sarcastic, helpful, polite, careful, doormat.

INSANE - angry, hateful, psychotic, depressed...

Wonder what will happen as my two selves grow further apart?

Only time will tell.



God I'm such a fucking emo kid.


Maybe in 2008 I can find the emotion called sadness....

Boredom. really bored. Shouldn't there be something worthwhile I could be doing?

I don't know.

I need sleep.

Got nightshifts for the next two weeks... Why did I agree to this?

Damn.

x

When all over places are exposed, all rocks turned, All the nooks and cranies found. Live Journal is the last place they look...

When you're dizzy and disorientated. FInd salvation here.

When you have a blue sweater but want a black cape, come on down.

Why should you censor yourself? Why hide from the public?

When the public have the power of judgement sometimes it's best to lay low for a bit.


My name this week is Jem. Most know me by other names, but for now this is the one I'll use. Disguise for the digital generation? Maybe. Cover? Could be. Hiding something? Always.

I think I'm going to look how to rule the world... Through Politics people! No Nukes for Jem's peace protest..

Fuck them fucking politicians in their stupid fucking asses.

*Faints*

I think it's about time I went back to old me.


Colour is so pa say!


After all. Skinny black wearing me got the girl in the first place!




Adiós x

Leaving on a jetplane...


Don't think I'll be swinging by this way again....

Well having the flu certainly ruined my Valentines day!

At least today I can stand up without being sick, that's always a bonus!

Dizziness sucks dick.

Anyways I'm off to lay down. Fun fun fun.


Byesie byes

Feeling down?

Feeling like everyone hates you?

Poverty stricken?

No job?

No prospects?

Ugly as fuck?

Oh guess your talking to me..

Man I feel shit today.

I actually hate honey!

Anything that has being near an insect, is not edible. AT ALL!


I have to wonder if the neighbours can see me dancing in here... Hmm...


Anyways on with the show of letters and shit.

Today I spend the afternoon surrounded by perfume! I smell like a 'queer eye' guy, lol.


And I am so freakin' tired!





I think I'm going to do some work now!



Bye bye minions x

A quick reminder, I am infact, not actually racist. I just don't agree with people who manage to get into the country on a banana boat and live off benefits and rape our women.



I don't like THEM people!


If you are reading this on your Benefits bought Laptop, or a computer you stole from someones house.


Please return it and stab yourself in the balls with a sharpened breadstick.



Thank you.

Bored as fuck.


Lou's at work.


Watched probably everything ever on TV and now I'm here.

I need a life. And some ice cream..

I love ice cream.


Got work in like under 10 hours, fun. I need to sleep lol.



Go bum freely my friends x

Ah. A place I'm allowed to think freely. Never had to censor myself on here...

All them looking eyes.

So lets spice this up shall we?

I had an unusual happening yesterday in the car... Driving down a back road, single track, you know the kind. A big tractor coming the other way. I just had to think... If I didn't move, it'd only hurt for a few seconds. I wasn't even depressed. I was just curious I guess. Is there anything wrong with wanting to know what happens next? I'm bored with the materialistic life. I want the simple life.

Funny I think how I'm talking to myself. Wonder if anyone have ever actually just being like surfing for like camel porn and found this shit?

If you have, let me know. I'd love to find out why you want to bang a camel, I mean, why?!?

Yes, that's right. I'm crazy, so what? diary of a madman? Story of a nutjob? Maybe...


Anyways, Short long forgotten post over.


JN x

days and days turn to years and years. But it doesn't change how things end up, does it?

Songs without drums and life without certain things suck.

But then we all need a bit of an acoustic moment don't we?

I feel like I neglect so much nowadays, how do I find the perfect balance? I can't be in two places at once. Is there even a future?

I don't like the thrash it till it's fucked up approach any more. What ever happened to taking your time and enjoying it for what it is?

Sticking to the speed limits.... Sure it's not as much fun as seeing how many people you can get in the car and taking it as fast as you can with your eyes closed and never looking at the road....

But isn't it safer?

What with the new found Jesusness and the Taoism still in there, I feel its time to grow up. I'm straight edge and I don't care any more. Bring on the goodness!



mass holiness x

Hehe, man this is so redundent....

livejournal is like the recluses myspace now...

dead and buried, one of the first to live, one of the first to die. a dinosaur that couldn't keep up with the technology...

I'm just waiting for the day to come when LJ is no more, even though I only ever had 2 people on here... one an amazing girl who I love, the other a great friend...

Destiny has chosen Myspace, and the masses follow...

LJ must hate tom... I remember the days of checking LJ for peoples depressive posts and the events that caused them.





Could this be the last goodbye?

Image a frozen lake, snow everywhere...

Now imagine standing perfectly still as it all melts and Spring sets in, the snow melting to reveal the green blades of grass and the blue blue water....


I feel so fucking shitty today. And it's always because I'm not with Louise. makes me wonder if I'm just pathetic. I mean I always miss her, but she doesn't seem to give a shit. She can be off out and about having fun and I'm ALWAYS the one who's left at home moping about. I really feel as if she fucking takes me for granted. It's always me who does wrong. Even though she's the bitchy one. She's the one who lies and keeps secrets. She's the one who puts herself and her friends before me. She bosses me about and tells me what I can and cannot do, yet she is free to do whatever she wants.

I just don't know what to do....

How often is the man the victim? How long will it take? Will it end? Is love really that strong? Do you really think I will keep letting you?

I tell you now. I'm close to losing it. Don't you notice how when you cry after you've done it, I don't speak, I don't look, I don't move.... I'm losing my emotions, I'm losing my mind, I'm losing my faith, I'm losing the will to live.... Again...

I'm not an idiot, I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy, I'm not ugly, I'm not disgusting, I'm not smelly, I'm not dirty, I'm not gross, I'm not fat, I'm not chubby, I'm not scruffy, I'm not weird, I'm not crazy, I'm not strange, I'm not childish, I'm not immature, I'm not a loner, I'm not jealous, I'm not a psycho, I'm not evil, I'm not a bastard, I'm not a serial killer, I'm not a grass, I'm not cunt-features, I'm not a minger, I'm not a crack user, I'm not a geek, I'm not gay, I'm not a woman, I'm not a fag, I'm not a poof, I'm not racist, I'm not sexist, I'm not a chav, I'm not a student, I'm not a Goth, I'm not a mosher, I'm not sex mad, I'm not a rapist, I'm not frigid, I'm not an outcast, I'm not retarded, I'm not a smart arse, I'm not a cocky fucker,.I'm not mental, I'm not a Jew, I'm not a freak, I'm not selfish, I'm not a control freak, I'm not arrogant, I'm not a pig, I'm not unmannered, I'm not a child, I'm not a peado, I'm not a kiddy fiddler, I'm not a pervert, I'm not unfashionable, I'm not worthless, I'm not a weakling, I'm not a pussy, I'm not a wrist-slitter, I'm not a girl, I'm not a homo, I'm not a cock sucker, I'm not a weasel, I'm not a creep, I'm not a liar, I'm not a skiver, I'm not a skiv, I'm not a faker, I'm not infectious, I'm not a snob, I'm not a lesbian, I'm not a mummy's boy, I'm not incestuous, I'm not a pin dick, I'm not clumsy, I'm not a nob head, I'm not a boff, I'm not a skank, I'm not a twat, I'm not a saddo, I'm not a victim, I'm not a victim, any more...

Every word said is another emotional cut, I remember everyone. I will never forget those who have hurt me. Those scars will never heal, and they'll never stop appearing...

You all say, well how can he be depressed? He's just making it up.... I spend 16 Years getting bullied at school, and at home, I had NO escape, then from 16-18 I still got bullied, and even now I get it. I will never escape it, my destiny is to be someone else's punch bag. That's all I'm ever good for. That's all I'm worth..

A thousand times a day, I think of ways to end it all... I see a lorry pass, a car, a bridge, a combine harvester, a knife, a razor, a window, a bottle of chemicals...

You think I accidentally cut my face shaving? Have you ever seen anyone else clench the razor and push it right down on the skin?

I don't care about ruining my body, it's just the physical, I don't care about this world. So what if self-harmers go to hell? I'm already serving in it!

Yes I do make myself sick, It's not love sickness. It's what the doctor's said, but you didn't believe me. I feel shit, so I do that, I don't know why ok? it just makes me feel better, like getting a monster out of my stomach. I haven't eatten much since friday, the odd biscuit or small piece of cake...

Isn't it great that you can so easily make me feel so fucking stupid... How does it feel? How does it feel to know you can change my entire mood in a few words. Within a breathe I go from euphoria to suicidal...

Maybe it's because I love you so much. Maybe it's just because every stage of my life I've had some fucker taking the piss, making me feel lower than dog shit, and now you're doing the same, making me feel so dirty....

Go on, say you don't mean to, as you always do. That's bullshit. Next you'll say you didn't mean to stab me... Don't fucking lie to yourself and everyone else. Admit it, your doing it just to hurt me, because you enjoy it. It makes you feel good, doesn't it? But then,. no-one ever said anything about me holding a knife did they? Who do you think will take the first 'stab' at it?

Of course, I'll be to blame, I always am, and always have been....

Bye bye....... x

People, shimmy on over to my myspace, its updated way more....

www.myspace.com/self_aggressive

Thanking you's

so this is the last livejournal post i'll probably ever do, it'll more than likely just turn into a diary to report all my depressions in.

this has often being my only salvation. the place where i can tell the world how much i hate it in my own silent little way.

i have survived the last few years with lou and livejournal, its it really.

if i could give my soul a colour it'd be a dark dark blue, like a shadow.

i am honestly a dark shell. my body is just a vessel for my soul.

i don't know who i am, what i am, or anything. i have to many things going on at the same time.

show me a penny i'll take a dollar.

you want me to tell you what my minds like, i'll show you. take 3 balls of wool, mix them all up then tip every item of food on top... thats me.

I ache, i hurt, i live... mostly to die...

last words to you all

.... Be excellent to each other... hehe

Like the sun, I am one.
Wiping out all, when I'm done.
All alone in the sky...

Think that sums up my mood...

OK, well, Me and my brothers are doing a petition to stop the NHS cutting kids dental health care, to nothing.

I'm trying to sort out what I want from life, and I'm trying to find out how to sue my bitch mother.

By the way bitch, if your reading this, your days are fucking numbered!!!

I'm going to change everything, I'm fed up of being a loser who sits back and let everything run away. I am in control, I am going to win this war with life. I don't want to lose anymore!

James out x

So if I act like myself, I get called gay. If I act like everyone else, I get called gay, and if I try to avoid it all, I am gay?

As I will say at many points in my life, I ain't gay! lol. Slightly feminate, yes. Gay no.. Although I am half Lesbian (from the tongue outwards fact freaks!)

Best bit of news all week... I'm finally going to see Lou again tomorrow... As long as the trains are running!!!

Worst bit of news... Lou leaving? lol.

So this week I have kept myself going with music, chocolate and video games.. fun..

I've actually got a full on beard now... I don't want to shave it off.. but I suppose I should..

Now I got to contemplate how to welcome her back...

Anyways, the bath is calling me and I'd best answer it, don't wanna piss it off...

C ya. James. Cowboy James, Conrad James, American James, Russsian James... I'll stay as Russian James!

That basically means Love you all, bye bye. lol

That ones for me to know and for you to work out. Answers on a postcard please.. Or an Email!